Not Yet Mother's Day

I found this picture today and I have to say its an accurate expression of what Mother's Day was for me this year. I got a chance to open my Facebook and saw all those warm wishes to mums and all i could think of is...baaah! I am now going to start a conspiracy theory which is not at all fair to the Diasporas but after yesterday, I truly believe that Mother's Day is celebrated 'there', not here. 

Why therefore would i wake up at the crack of dawn, thanks to little Kayla with her baby alarm clock (which is really her pulling my hair, then pinching my nose and scratching my eyes and cheeks in an effort to get my attention); struggle to get her back asleep (15 minutes later) and then snuggle back to bed and get back to sleep (10 minutes afterwards, annoying how you lose sleep the minute you wake up right?) only to have my older daughter Aliana cruise into the bedroom, turn the lights on and begin her speech on why she should be allowed to go and play with Nichole our neighbor (yes, at 7am) and yet its Mother's day, the day when mommas are all meant to sleep through the morning, get breakfast in bed and not lift a finger for the rest of the day? Its a western concept I tells ya!

In this continent of Africa, and precisely, Kenya, Mother's Day is an illusion, hell, I did not even know that such a day is celebrated until my days in campus. I never ever saw my Dad give my mum flowers to appreciate her on this day and it often feels like an out of body experience to call mum and wish her 'happy mothers day', birthdays i can call but this? Could it be our upbringing, where we learn not to share feelings and emotions?

Anyway,so there I was at 7am, wondering whether i'd ever had that dreamy "Mother's Day" that I see on TV or was it, just like TV, an illusion. Even for those who have the opportunity, would you really, really let go of the reigns for just one day? I keep threatening hubby that I will take a month off from the house but when i really think about it, can i really? I like the idea of mother's day,only as long as its done my way and more often than not, it doesn't because for all the good intentions, you still find yourself reaching for the table cloth to wipe a mess, rushing to change the stockings that obviously don't match withe dress and silently cursing when you end up being given flowers when you tried hinting to go to that new restaurant in Lavington. 

So i look at this picture again, wondering, when will it be Mother's Day for me? But then, when is it ever Mothers Day for us? When they are infants, you worry about them dying in their sleep, at 4 months you wonder when they will sit up, at 6 months you are worried about their weaning, at 1 years your biting your nails wondering if they will start walking already! By two years you are dreading tantrums...then theres puberty and the raging teens, then your worried if she will get a good high school and campus, then you worry about her getting a job and a good man to marry her...woi! it never ends. Its not yet mother's day, but we can cherish those moments in a day when you exhale and live to fight another day.

A Little 'Real Housewives" is Good for You

I have to say, I am a "Real Housewives" fan. Its just because they are funny these women, real funny. Not being invited to an event is enough to get them committed to rehab to deal with depression and other such things. It's so crazy to me that having a certain kind of house or car can bring so much friction.

I am done with a very crazy course and thought that the best way to treat myself was to watch the housewives of Atlanta again...they really have drama! But as i watched i realised that they  have some personality that us women should adopt, yes, i said it, they are crazy, but they also have a lot to teach us.

Nene Leakes' bubbly personality: I like the way she is fun and her catch phrases: bloop, 'i am rich', fabulous...i mean, she can go crazy when she is mad but she is fun to hang around with. We each need a little of the fun Nene in our lives.

Kim's High Self Esteem: not a day will go by without hearing Kim say "DAMN im beautiful, or im so dam gorgeous, or my boobs are great". And face it, is Kim really that hot?? How many of us can actually say we are proud of our bodies or how we look. This video should add a little perspective:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=litXW91UauE

Sheree's Can't Bully Me Side: and now one of my favourite phrases is: "Don't let the cute face fool ya...DON'T". A lot of us take a lot of krap from people because they know we will not fight back. That is how you get taken advantage of and abused. While im not advocating for going into shouting matches like Sheree does, i think its important for us to realize when someone is taking a stab at us and take a stand.

Phaedra's 'Southern Belle' Manners: sometimes you will be faced with some choices, to act like a lady or go ghetto on someone. Well, some occassions call for acting the lady and I think she did that very well when Kenya was flirting with her husband. I also like how she always comes with gifts for her friends, its so 'good manners' like. But this is dependent on whether you have cash and the intention.

Kandi the Boss: ok, her side biashara is a little on the weird but i have to say, i like her knack for business. Even the book of proverbs praises the woman who adds the sheep and goats to the pen! I also like the fact that the money does not get into her head. Sometimes we need to remember to stay steady even when the money rolls in and maintain the right values with the kids, not let them sit back thinking they will inherit all your stuff.

Porsha aka dumb dumb: ok, this is the one housewive you should NOT be. Ladies, you need to be smart...yes, even if your rich or have married rich, you need to have some brains about you because one day the money may all go away and your left without a dime. And also, most men what a gal they can hold a conversation with. At that point you will need more than your pretty face to survive. 265 days a year? Really Porsha! Also, make your own legacy, not ride on that of your grandfather or whoever else in your family made a name in history.

Just a thought.

BAKS IN MY LIFE

I happen to traverse the Statehouse/ Kilimani area these days as i go to work and aside from the change in scenery which is more greenery and cleaner air, there are the posh cars aka fuel guzzlers.

Now do not get me wrong...u want to drive a big car with your name as its licence plate...jibonde! I only seem to get this knot on my stomache when the vehicle in question has the infamous GK plate coz in my heart im like "there goes my tax money".  In this kenya where leadership counts for little, its extremely disturbing when all i can count for my tax money is this fuel guzzler whizzing by.

But what even irks me more is when they happen to be several: i call them the entourage. I know since al shabaab dropped their greenades around, Kenya is not secure as it should be but really...must the entourage pull those theatrics of running us off the road like they are an ambulance? In a hurry? Really? to do what? steal more cash from kenyans? oh yah! bas, pave way.

Last week I had the rare encounter to be inconvinienced by none other than Baks himself (and entourage). Baks for those who are not familiar with kenyan lingo is the other name we call our president Kibaki. So we are approaching State house gate A (thats the middle/main gate) when we are stopped by a cop as he leans on his radio to listen out. Ahead are another 3 groups of traffic cops stationed in strategic places of either sides of the road, GSU's and plain clothes not forgetting the big police kahuna who wears the brown khaki unform. No wonder nairobi becomes gridlocked when Baks pita's; all the cops are here waiting for him to safely enter gate A so the rest of us just jipanga.

So i chill and then i decide to zima the car seeing as its going to be another 15 minutes before the entourage enter the haloed gates. Then this cop comes towards me and signals with his car that i turn on the car. So I do, then he is like now signalling frantically i turn off the car which i do. Then he walks to my window and is like: "I am sorry madam, was your car off when i asked you turn it on?" I am like yes. "Im sorry, keep it off", he says and moves ahead to tell the drivers of the other cars to zima their cars. He was so good mannered i could not be mad but i wanted to know how does my car being on affect Baks grand entry into State House? I will never know.

15 minutes later Baks and entourage whizz by. All those mercedes benz' fueled by my tax money grrr. There  is nothing so ceremonial but i wanted to see if Baks was sleeping in the back of the limo...did not get a glimpse. So they got in. Shows over. So i turn on my motogari to get ready to start moving. Mr policeman with the radio on his ear motiones his hand in the signature kenyan cop "stop" sign. "Huh!" si baks amepita? What else is there to do? I can hear hooting behind me. I feel them but Mr policeman's hand remains up high. Whats the hold up? Susan my workmate tells me jokingly that it must be coz the gate is open and we must wait for it to close. Shock of shocks its the gate we are waiting for to close!

WE BOTH BURST OUT LAUGHING! Seriously?!

Ok, what am i going to do, cruise into the gate at breakneck speed, past the armed GSU fellas without being hit with one bullet and past the entire entourage to get to Baks and hurt him? Really!!!

Wah! i have never died of laughter like that.

Ok, perhaps security intelligence can explain this to me the layman coz i did not get it. All in all,i continued with my journey into another traffic jam, also caused by Baks and safely got home an hour later. Thanks Baks.

SATURDAY SPORTS

Last weekend I found myself in very unfamiliar territory. Actually we would never have crossed paths had i not agreed to pick up my nephew from that place but interestingly it was a light-bulb moment.
So i took my daughter along (for the ride) to pick my nephew from a basketball court. I do not know why but i actually thought that it would be empty save for my nephew and his older cousin who brought him along for his training. Was i wrong.
Its like 10am on a saturday morning and all the courts are packed...they is even a game im seeing for little boys around the age of 8/9 shooting hoops. I was like 'whaaaaat!' I felt like i had walked into another alternate planet where people sacrifice their sleep to come and play basketball...i have heard of ligi dogo but basketball?? There were women too!
To me it felt like one of those "Gladys, which hole have you been living in all your life!" moments. I just assumed that nothing much goes on on saturday sportswise unless theres a soccer match at nyayo or city stadium or a marathon(or should i say charity related run?)...and lets not forget the rugby which is also not so frequent (but im not a guru on these matters). Yet, here are all these people...and their fans..at 10am in a bball court.
Here is the even more interesting part, each team has its full uniform and coach...and the matches are all so organized. The crowd is not the stone-throwing type so you can actually sit down and watch without fearing your car will disappear or a side mirror will go. I was pleasantly suprised!!
Lesson: if you have kids or know of kids who need to let some steam off or develop a sport, there really are so many options out there. Our problem is that we never go out of our way to find out. This kamovement is right under our noses and we dont even notice. I even heard that ballerina classes are taught somewhere in this Nairobi! I hope i will never say that "i dont know what i will do to keep aliana busy on a saturday." The options are a google serarch away.

SHADED VIEWS

My mum is a big character. She comes in all shapes and sizes...most of the time she's complaining about something but when it comes to bringing it down and knocking some sense into someones life...she is always dead on!
This is a belated mothers day wish to my mum...she has her negative sides but lately I have seen a lot of wisdom in the stuff she is saying. The latest is how i should be the boss of my house. (thats another story). But yesterday, I was at her home and just like mum does, she had gone all out with the chapatis, pilau, stew and fruit platter. As it is custom on a sunday afternoon, there were visitors and i had to cook a lot of tea which coz of my teabag ways was quite the challenge since I was having problems measuring the number of cups of milk, (since she gets her milk delivered to her straight from the cow), water and amount of tealeaves to make the tea.
It was at this time that more visitors came, it was a lady and her two kids. Mum came into the kitchen and asked me to warm the food for them. Now warming food is not a problem, warming food without the help of a microwave is. My mums microwave had died on the Friday so here i was trying my best to use the science i used to use as a child (before microwaves came to kenya) to warm this food, nevertheless i succeeded. Mum came into the kitchen and said she would serve the food and leave me to continue with the tea. As she was serving, I noticed that she had put a mountain of servings on each plate, I did not mind it for the mum but for the kids, i thought she had placed too high hopes on them finishing even  a quarter of what she served so naturally i pointed it out.
The next thing i know, my mum has pulled me aside and talking to me softly, she says "stop shouting, the food is enough, they can eat it." At this point im of "huh". So she goes on to explain about how the family is not so well off, the kids have food to eat but its not enough so they are often hungry. "when you see me doing this Mueni, its because I know they might not even have dinner tonight," mum said.
That just got me of at another level! I had never in my wildest dreams ever thought of that possibility. You see, where my mum lives is relatively for well off people so naturally i assume that her neighbors are all well to do people. I was like heeeeeh!
Then i asked myself, are there such people in my neighborhood? People that need help but are doing so much to hide the fact because of where they live or a reputation they are afraid to loose? Then i thought, can i live up to be like mum, always helping people with whatever she can? Doing what she can to easen a burden that she sees around her? have insight into peoples troubles?
Lesson learnt.

MAZE

I’m driving down this road… I know where I need to get to but its feels like am in a maze… you know hose fun mazes you’d do as a kid and how much fun you’d have going round in circles just to find a dead end and having to retrace your steps so you end up back at square one…

Mine is a different kind of maze...infact when I think of it, I remember the game snakes and ladders. You can see the end of the game, where you need to get to but there’s the snakes and the ladders.

The ladders are what help you get there faster...they are there to boost you up...give you a little hand when you’re drowning. I have seen ladders in the shape of friends and loved ones who have sent me a thoughtful sms or email…you know, the kind that just speak to you when you are at your weakest point. I have seen ladders of all shapes and sizes and some have come from the most unexpected of places... it’s like when you’re  wondering who you are to think you can get that job and the guy who brings lunch to the office is telling me in the lift to not lose hope, the faith that enabled me see the advertisement and apply for the job is the same faith that will enable you to get that job…just keep praying. I’m talking about people coming from nowhere and asking you about your talents…random encounters that provide a link to something bigger. I’m talking about opening your bible and reading Psalms 91 when you are thinking “nobody can get me out of this darkness…I’m so screwed.”

Then I’m looking at the snakes…you know those people and things that are there to stop you from getting home. You know that little voice in your head that’s telling you, “you can’t make it, who do you think you are to think you can get that promotion, you suck, you make mistakes and that’s how you will always be”…its that thing that brings you to your knees and completely breaks you down so you find it hard to get up and keep moving…that thing that makes you shift focus so instead of moving forward your always doing two steps back..

I have learnt that in the game of life...there’s gonna be snakes and there’s gonna be ladders… it’s how you choose to deal with the hand that your dealt with…good and evil are at work in our world and just like in the movies..evil is working to ensure that good does not triumph…but if you trust in God, it does not matter how long you’re in the maze...you’ll make it out and get your prize.

Imagine God is the game-master, He knows every aspect of the maze…He can see that when you take the right, you will meet the snake and the right will lead you towards the ladder. Challenges as I have come to learn are here to grow our faith…we would all like to have it easy and sometimes ask God to just lead us in the path of the maze with the least resistance and the fastest means to get to the prize…and it is not wrong to ask…but how would you learn to face the snakes in the next level of the game? If God is the game-master, it means He sees and knows how the game works, and if He allows you to meet a snake, it’s because He is shaping something in your life…building a character that will be useful in the next level of the game.

The point is, at the end of it all, He intends for each of us to win the game and get our prize. This game requires some crazy kind of faith…the kind that believes in the end even though he/she cannot see it or how to get to it. It’s the kind that says … “I don’t know where this is going…but I trust the Game-master to get me there eventually.”

So come on…tell the snakes “Game on!” and trust the Game-master to walk you through it every step of the way.

MATEMBEZI KENYA

So my job sometimes has me travelling a bit...this particular mission saw me going to homabay and kipkelion...im not particularly a big fan of road trips (esp long ones) but push came to shove and there was no way i was getting out of this particular situation so off i went..

on the plus side...we used the narok road which is shweeeeeeee...so pass thru masaaini, kaleoland, kwa wakisii and finally kwa ancestors of obama....aside from the winding hilly roads of kisii, the barabara like i said is ...shweeeeeeeee...until u reach the outskirts of homabay town...do you know the meaning of barabara imeisha? iliisha! right as you get to the outskirts of the town...so im thinking...hmmm...in other towns its the roads in the towns that are good and the ones outside the town that are well, not roads really. On the plus side the fish was great!! fressss!

haya, twende kipkelion...tunarudi vizuri hadi kericho..theres a junction somewhere there with a road heading to kisumu...tunaingia huko...ile part hatukuambiwa ni china wu yi wamekuwa wakifanya construction on a strech of road there...barabara nayo? terrible! and apparently its a shortcut, most of the buses and mololines use that route..wah!

then we finally get to kipkelion...we are here to see a boy named amos...he was kind enough to inform us that he'd gotten another scholarship and so we needed to pick up all the stuff we had bought for him. anaishi place inaitwa 'fort tenan'. to get to fort tenan, u first need to go to muhoroni then branch into kipkelion...wacha tuanze kuuliza wakenya hiyo place ni wapi

"haiitwi fort tenan...ni fatena"...and i think they got it all wrong when they said kaoz "noovaa" means we are not even close to the destination..."fatena ni hapa tu" tulishindwa tukiambiwa...that was 3 hrs ago!

tulifika fatena...pahali masign board ziko hakuna barabara...wah! thankfully we needed not get into the town...just to amos' home. network nayo? coming and going. half an hour later tunaongea na grandpa...hajui kiswahili sana...just kinandi...so cant help us much...headteacher comes to the rescue...we are in business! so where is this amos' home? "u see that hut up there? its over there", the headteacher tells us.

up there is on top of a hill...ok. so now we are hiking up a hill...niko na open shoes...wah! tukikaribia...watu wanatoroka from all directions...ok, wild animal maybe? whats goiing on? and who will save us?

kinandi inakorogwa between headie and grandpa...headie tells us this is the home but grandpa does not want us to come in..he points us to sit on some stones a few meters away...weird...strange even. me im just like, lets get this over with. wheres amos? oh, hes somewhere hearding the cattle...someone is sent to get him. we are told to wait...as i sit i get this whiff of a very strong smell...im thinking to myself maybe ni shags smell...u know the cowshed, fertilizer in the shamba etc smell?

i want to ask but im not sure if it will be taken kindly...ninanyamaza. finally the cats let out of the bag...headie tells us, the villagers thought u were from the DC's office, thats why they ran away? oooh! ok, why would they think that? "coz the grandpa here brews an illegal brew and any authorities are big trouble for him". eureka! thats the smell ive been whiffing! its a changaa den...wah! poor amos, what a way to grow up! we assure him we are not interested in the changaa, just the boy.

amos shows up 20 minutes later and we get our stuff and head out...but before leaving a few guys want us to buy them a drink (and i mean that changaa brewing at the moment). we politely decline, who wants to be responsible for five guys going blind afta drinking that stuff?

as we head out, im thinking about amos, how does he grow up in such a place and manage 370 marks in kcpe? the education is so bad, theres no stima, he's an orphan and his grandpa is brewing some strange booz kwa nyumba. its afta such scenes that i begin to understand why ministry of education would give such boys a chance at national schools...if u can manage such marks in such a dysfunctional society...then u have what it takes to make it in life.

we take the rest of that bad stretch of road until londiani (as we enviously look at the china wu yi's at work) then the driver asks if the chinese are doing damage with the women here as they have been doing with the women at thika road? classic 105 had a topic about a man leaving his wife after she gave birth to a chinese baby.

our next stop is nakuru where we meet a girl from the ogiek community...its mind blowing that this girl could escape the traditions and manage a 380 in kcpe. i want to do more reserch on the ogieks, all i know is that they are meant to be either going extinct or very marginalised.

now im tending to my back which can no more take the stress from the journey...but it was quite the eyeopener.

DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES!

I love "Desperate Housewives". Some people will tell me that its an american show that will never apply to a mwananchi but I beg to differ. I have already seen similar personalities in my friends that those women in that show have. They may not be the same personality exactly but there's some things there...

I remember thinking about Linnet and the way she handles her kids...and thinking that some of those mama nightmares of feedings at midnight...never dressing up or putting on make up coz baby will just throw up on her anyway...and i can relate...i think about gabrielle solice and her "shopping, clothes and shoes" personality...in the beginning i thought she was just vain...but on going deeper you find out theres a reason why she hides behind the shoes..

But most recently as I was in my kamapartment block it just occured to me, this is kinda a kenyan version of desparate housewives...i shuddered at the thought that in some weird way, i had become surburban...u know, the kind of person who knows their neighbours (not just the say hi type) and even sits down to drink tea as we talk about "stuff". This is something difficult for me to really come to terms with coz well, i live in an apartment, aren't people not meant to know people in apartments?

So there am I watching my baby run around the kacompound with the other neighbour kids and im so deep in conversation with other mamas and mboches that i think...hmmm...whats happening here?

What is worse, I know whose baby went for immunization, who just gave birth, who is now taking baby to boarding school in class 7, who quit her job...aaah..the list is endless. Now, im not meant to know these things...i like to mind my own business...but when some girl is knocking on my door everyday at the same time to play with aliana and is giving me a back-to-back relay of how her day went "including mama yangu alinipatia chips"...i find im integrating into this murky world...then there the birthdays..."mama aliana, aliana anaitwa kwa birthday ya linda", there's one of those every month...

but this was the icing on the cake, during one of those "taking baby out to play in the compound" things, one mama decides to gossip about another one of our neighbors to me! Wait a minute...huh?! Ok, how did she just read me as the type to be interested in that mambo jambo? I made up some flimsy excuse about my ndengu burning and fled! (ok, ndengu burning? yah, its part of the wife/mama portfolio, brides to be...dont dismiss this part)

so now the denial is over...i know my neighbours..the good, bad and the ugly (like the drunk man who was shouting unprintable words to everyone in the apt block and his wife trying to get him to shut up and go home) and the one with advise on everything (mrs bree vandekamp)...and theres this gabrielle solice who is in some serious denial that she is a mom of 3 kids and keeps going shopping and stuff...they are all here.

On coming to this conclusion, my first thought was to pack up and move...but then i thought...whose to say that the next 'wisteria lane' i move to will not be as crazy? so now i have resigned to my fate...and ask myself..."which desperate housewife are the neighbours saying I am?"

AN APPLE A DAY

Its been on my mind lately but ive tried to focus on other things but the day has arrived for me to face this topic.. i mean how could i avoid it any longer?

1. A friend was in hospital for like 3 months

2. My colleagues' 36 year old pal collapsed at work..turns out he had a stroke

3. Then the Patricia Show is talking about diabetes...

If those are not signs..i don't know what is...

im talking about good health or the absence of...i did a lot of health reporting..suffice it to say i tried my best to practice what i preached in those stories but sometimes sacrificing that kuku choma for salads was not so easy..but the above incidences have made me wake up and really really check myself..and my loved ones health..

I mean 36 years with a stroke? That only happened in America i thought but nope...ni mkenya...dark skin and all...what is worse...he has been married a short time...just think of his wife..battling with physiotherapy and stroke meds at that age...this is the time for kids and fun...not hospitals and labs..

But what really shook me was my pal whose been in hosi for like 3 months...first time we all saw him we were shell shocked...remember the line 'he was now a shadow of his former self'? scrap that! he was a skeleton of his former self...literally! we could not recognize him...in a span of 3 months he had transformed from robust man to a skeleton of his former self...his wife was trying to be strong but after seeing your husband suffer for that long...u can only hold up for so long...she cried a lot...we did our best to console her but at times i wondered...how is telling her its going to be ok going to help? Actually it did but at that time it seemed so hopeless..thank God for faith..when we were loosing hope...someone reminded us to keep praying for him...the guy is now out of hospital and is on his way to recovery...God does answer prayer!

But the whole situation made me think...what if it happened to me? What if i was that wife and my husband was in that bed? how would i have fared? how prepared am i for such eventualities?

You see as young people...with this 'my whole life is ahead of me' tag that we take with us everywhere we go..having someone so young in a hospital bed literally spins us out of control..after all...we are meant to be having 'our whole lives ahead of us'...not dealing with sicknesses that our grandma's are also contending with.

Lessons:

1. Be prepared for anything: get ur act together..if u have insurance..find out what does that really cover? Whats our savings like? Can i survive if in the unlikely event my husband dies or my mum or dad leave suddenly? are we saving up for such eventualities? the same applies to the single's as well.

2. Watch your health: what are u eating? are u heading down the road of diabetes and strokes?

3. Go for check ups: ladies and gents: cervical cancer, fibroids and prostate cancer can be prevented if its detected early..same for most cancers and heart conditions..

4.True friends and family stick with you no matter the season...you learn your true friends in times of adversity...not plenty.

5. Try to avoid stress...ur health is too important.

As the dettol advert says: "Good health is in your hands". (metaphorically).

WOMEN IN LEADERSHIP

Sometime back a friend of mine pointed out that one of Kenya's blue chip corporate entities does not have a female in its Board of Directors. I thought about this again when they started this women in leadership debate in Kenya a week or so ago.

For starters, in a country where the population of women is higher than that of men; it is just silly to argue that there aren't enough women to take up posts. Also, while the same constitution calls for free and fair elections hence arguing that everyone who wants a post should vie for it,kenyans please, open the can and smell the coffee...this is still a patriarchal society...and in a society where men rule...there is no way that they will prepare a level playing field for women to actively campaign and vie for posts. Should i go into the names that our current women in parliament have been called in that law-making house to belabor the point? Or the way they are treated?
And before you go into that rant of "anyone getting into politics needs to have nerves of steel" speech, think about it...what nerves of steel did some of our current male politicians have to enter into parliament? For most of them, they were men first...the rest followed.

Back to the blue chip firm with no women in their BOD. As we discussed the sheer shame of it all, one of my gals pointed out that its never going to be easy to find a woman in a BOD of such a firm...and its simply because she has another role to play at home..wife, mother. While the man can stay at work till midnight making his way up to the big boardroom, the woman has to think about dinner, homework and the uniforms the kids will wear the next day...not the guy...doing the graveyard shift will earn him a pat in the back...
Remember the patriarchal society i mentioned earlier? which dude is going to sit home till midnight waiting for his wife whose working and trying to make it to the BOD? No, honestly...hands up? I thought so. A lot of women sit on their potential to be madam president because of a dude whose ego could not allow him to support his wife. Borrow a leaf from Obama guys..for the longest time its Michelle who brought home the bacon...he never died because of it. I wish sometimes that guys could walk a mile in our shoes...maybe be women for a day...

I know i keep getting back to this point...i know its 2011 but its still happening...the partiarchal society thing...parents putting more emphasis on their sons education and future than their daughters..FGM..early marriages...etc. Even for those girls who do get an education..try selling the idea of wanting to be a politician or a manager..try even telling them u want to be an entrepreneur...what did dad and mom say?

For me its not so much the numbers..its just that women do not have an equal chance to do it...women leaders are there..in plenty..i remember them in SONU during the campus years..you see them in civil society and parliament...some are even in high school...give them a chance to blossom; and anyway...we have had men leading this country for 40+ years...what change has come to Kenya? Just think about how efficiently your mum runs the home...always on top of everything...imagine translating that (with the necessary added experience) to our fondly called "National Cake"?

I rest my case.

THE BOY CHILD

I think that organization thats fighting for the rights of the boy-child has something going there. Initially id thought, oh no! another briefcase ngo fleecing on unsuspecting donors funding but after some of the things ive witnessed in my short life im thinking...yes, we've concentrated so much on the girl-child that we forgot about the boys...and because of that, we now have a crop of men who really have no clue what being a man is all about. Ask T.D Jakes...no, go out and buy his book "he-motions" and ull get an idea about what im saying. Im thinking about the "fanya hesabu" ad by jimmy gathu and his message on mpango wa kando...its that thing about not taking up responsibility...surely...life cannot be about partying all the time with different women...and no, disrespecting your wife or girlfriend by using all forms of abuse does not cut it either...which makes me ask this question? where did men learn this behaviour? who taught them its ok to be this kind of person? A shrink will tell you its something from your childhood...could it be? Ive heard this and i think theres a point here: how u grow up..a happy home..a happy child, an abusive home..an abusive child...a child learns what he sees. Although that may not apply to everyone, there those whove come out of the negative and built very positive lives despite their experiences..oprah for example. So if its not really about childhood, what is it? insecurity...lack of knowledge? Whatever the case, point is, its time some men started unlearning some behaviours. Its not just for their own good but for the good of society. Social ethics 101: the man is the head of the family...the family is the basic unit of society...imagine with me a man who has no values or who does not take up his responsibility as the head of the home...multiply that with 1000 family units...the end result? Now picture it the other way...man who knows his role and takes up his responsibilities... yap..im for boy-child rights...maybe we can get it right this way. maybe.

ABORETUM

So this week the office took us for a retreat cum teambuilding to the Aboretum...this place is kinda nolstalgic for me coz i was at State House Primary School which is very close to the forest. in fact, we used to do our games in the kaopen field in the forest...primary life for me was a blast..no wonder i get goosebumps being here..but i digress.

As some of you may know...these days aboretum is a prayer centre...from when we got to the ka main field area you hear shouts...people fervent in prayer...one of my workmates then volunteered what many of us were thinking but were too scared to admit out loud: "mapharisiya". In english, thats the pharisees, you know those religious groups in Jesus time who thought themselves to be so holy and righteous but Christ called them vipers..yah them. Now to say that of everyone who comes to the aboretum to pray would be a great misjudgement as we do not really know who they are when they are behind closed doors and anyway, someone would argue they are in the privacy of the forest so no harm to other kenyans going about their businesses in the city.

But prayer styles aside,there was one guy who caught my attention. He was a young man in jeans and a t-shirt. He picked the furthest corner of the area and began pacing back and forth holding his bible and praying. He was not shouting, it was a conversation, just something like, "ok..its how with this story God? What the deal with that Lord?"

It just made me think..wow..a young man...praying...with that intensity...and i just thought to myself..when was the last time i prayed? as in prayed..not that quick one that comes out my mouth when my daughter escapes a big fall or injury..or that one when ive just ponead..or when i really need something to happen...

Then i thought about the youth...if we had more young people praying..how different would our lives and value systems be?

Im a big Madea fan and theres a play i think you should go and look out for its called "Madea's Big Happy Family" and in it she says that theres something wrong with kids born after the 80s, they think that they need to be given things and not work for them. Nothing comes easy, you need to work on it. Do not be tricked by the blings, cars and rap videos. Work." And to add to those powerful lines, seek first the kingdom of God and these things shall be added to you.

Pray.

JIJUE..FOR THE CHILDREN

It is what makes a difference between a terminal illness or an infection free life for your baby, yet, making that trip to the ante-natal clinic to do that all important test is still shunned by many Kenyan women and their men. Reason: taking the test means knowing your HIV status and if you’re found to be positive, well, you believe that it is all downhill from there.
It seems so 1990s to be talking about ‘stigma’ and the fear that ‘your life has come to an end’ when one finds out that they are HIV positive in 2011, especially when one looks at all the advances in medicine and the numerous campaigns to get people to go get tested, but the truth is: stigma is still stopping people form knowing their HIV status.
As a journalist who reports on HIV and AIDs, the main question that is posed to me by HIV+ persons is: “And what will my neighbors think when they see me on TV talking about my status? They will stop talking to me! I do not want to be isolated!”
Ask most Kenyans and they will tell you that all these campaigns about getting tested are well worth it, some will have even braved the counseling session of testing for HIV and even know their status but announce it at the rooftops? Never! They will prefer to get their daily dosage of ARV and do the clinic trips but in uttermost privacy, why? The Kenyan society is not yet ready to do away with stigma.
Now going with the above sentiments, add a baby, an innocent human being whose only fault was to be conceived by two adults who either never talked about using protection during sex or who knowingly knew their status and are on a revenge mission to spread it to as many people as possible or in the most likely case of a married couple, a spouse who has been unfaithful…the list is endless. You have spelled doom for that child and it could have been avoided if you just took the test.
So you are pregnant, you are frightened to death about finding out that you may be HIV positive, how will you handle it, what will they think of you in the office or at home? Can you handle the stares and backbiting? No! But think about it, you and your child HIV positive: going through the ARV lifestyle of timed drug intakes, a healthy nutrition diet and of course the stigma. And you never know, that child may grow up to finally give us the cure for HIV that we have been searching for years in vain and in this African setup, that child may be the one who will look after you when you become too frail.
Now let me talk to those of us who have never gone to take the test. Ok, so you are healthy, but for how long? What will happen to your children? Take a walk to Nyumbani Children’s Home and spend time with those children to get a clue about what it means to be an AIDS orphan. It is something you could have avoided for your children, yet, you are not ready to face the truth. The government and NGOs are spending a good chunk of their budget on HIV infected and affected persons without each of us having to add the burden.
Go get tested, if not for yourself, then for the child you are carrying or those children that you love.

THE WORD LESS

Its everywhere, you see it on the tv, you hear it on the radio, its the most sought after thing...the search for the ideal mate to spend you forever with. I dint really think much about it until i saw this very young couple holding hands in town and it made me think, wah,theres pressure to huk up! For a minute there i asked myself if the pressure was that high when i was back at high school, to huk up that is...hmm...thats debatable seeing as our version of huking up is somewhat different from the huk up we see now.

To ask why would generate another big debate so im going to focus on is: before calling on the radio to ask the presenter to find you a man or woman, or texting 'single' to 6677 (not the real number) or attending the Easy FM singles party or whatever other means i hear people use to huk up these days...what we really need to ask ourselves first is;
1. what do i really want?
2. what does huk up really mean to me?

Now when i was young (teeheehee) no, actually after i cleared Form Four there was i mentorship bible study i was a member of. Simply put, an older christian woman inculcates christian values in the younger woman's life in the hope that they will raise a generation of young people with the kind of values that will see them succeed in life, marriage and work under the umbrella of christianity. One of the things we were once told was to write a list of the kind of man we would want to marry...no matter how silly it sounded just put it down in the list. I have to admit that at 18 years ur world view is a bit warped and the list may have been a bit unrealistic but several years down the line, some of them remained and held true...id say the experiences i went through after writing the list made me rewrite my expectations of my future husband,nonetheless im glad i wrote the list because it was my compass in finding exactly what direction i wanted to go with in choosing the man that i married. The point of that whole exercise was direction and discovery.

Many of us ladies do not really know what they want or what they SHOULD want in a man...the same goes for some guys although going by what i have seen, the woman of Proverbs 31 pretty much sums up the guys wish list. I think women should also know what they want...and im guessing if i search the bible ill find the woman's wishlist too! However, you cant really know what you want in someone else if you really dont know what ur about first. Its very easy to say: "he should be tall, dark and handsome" just coz thats what everyone says a good man should be about.

I watched a tyler perry movie jana which was focussing on this issue. There was the woman who had low self-esteem that she did not think she deserved a good man even if he was right there in her face (and he was!),then there was the woman who just wanted the world to see she was not alone so any man would do, including the abusive type and thats what she got,then there was the girl who because she had never felt love from her mother fell for the first guy who told her she was all that...im guessing some of us are these women..perhaps at different levels..maybe theres more to the list..

Theres got to be a line for all of us...marriage is not something to be taken lightly..neither is dating for that matter...no pressure should make you sink below what you are really worth..but first do you really know ur worth? And men, do you know that when you love a woman and respect her, she submits to you? Its all about bowing down to the right thing, no point giving your all to someone who is not worth it...

Most important, you get ur true compass on who you are by going to the One who created you..just a thot..or three!

WASH N SET

When NTV launched that show i was like.."eeeww! like anyone would be interested to know what happens in a salon!" I was wrong..its amazing how a simple visit to the salon can shape one's outlook on life and im not talking about those nice salons in the suburbs..im talking that mabati one near your estate..ok..its maybe not that one..the one in the shopping centre..either way its a kasmall establishment!
So i thot about this when i went to the kasalon next to my kaflat...do you ever notice how good the hair of the hairdressers are? we all know thats a sales gimmic..anyway,jana i was at the salon and one of the hairdressers gets a call and her colleagues start chiding her..making those gestures of "its the boyfriend calling"..the usual silly stuff people do..the blushing hairdresser rans out of the salon to pick her call in private.
and the minute she's out,her colleagues back at the salon begin talking behind her back! and its not the good stuff..its actually scathing! "ooh does she know what a looser that man is...oooh i wish she could get a man like mine..ooh ooh oooh (as bonny khalwale would say)
minutes later when she returns its back to pleasantries and words of encouragement..im like gawsh! backstabbing has never been so smooth..wacha velvet!
It took me back to a day last year when i was in a different salon in the neighbourhood and these two hair dressers went all out! it was pure soap opera! I cant really remember how it started but it had something to do with one saying the other was dirty..how that changed into their bedroom habits is still a mystery to me..the two women were causing a scene and u know in nairobi with all the idle people around how fast a crowd can gather...instead of the crowd being a signal that they should shut up about their sex lives..it fueled the feud!I just wanted the ground to open and swallow me up on their behalf...mind u my hair had been left halfway done so they could get into the quarrel!
Eventually another hairdresser came to finish my hair and she was telling me how the two keep going at it every now and then and how she was considering firing them coz they were bad for business...bad for business..i was not even concerned about their cvs, its how they could walk in the streets without hiding their faces with everyone knowing what they had gotten up to!
It just made me think again about women..sometimes its true what they say...we are our own worst enemies...who is to know the guys these women were fighting about were in another part of the city getting it on with some other woman? and if my hairdressers from jana know that the guy their colleague is dating is bad news..why not go and tell her instead of feigning happiness for her? is it that we like to see other women fail? do we get a kick out of seeing the other woman fall to pieces? I think that before we go at the other woman's throat about the guy, we should first ask ourselves about the man and then about our own character..what would make us think that we deserve less than what we were created for?
It is this attitude that we need to change as women if we are to truly get the respect we deserve..if you want others to love u they say, u have to love urself...a deep appreciation of urself..who you are...warts and all..because when you appreciate you..you know what you deserve and no one can make you settle for less..no matter the pressure! And remember ladies, God created us and despite what everyone else may think of you..God don't make no junk!

ROCK BOTTOM

sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom
going so far down that the only way out is going back up
its funny how it all begins as a joke, fun times.
u say hey, i can handle it
but it happens so quickly...the turnaround.
soon your reeling out of control
and everything is getting messed up.
so your down there..rock bottom
and your pride wont admit it.
then comes the cover ups
its clear that denial is your best friend
everything that ur doing wrong
has its ten persuasions that u are not falling.
but there always is that moment
that you can no longer come up with excuses
its getting messed up and it needs fixing
and no..your way is not helping.
The good thing about getting here is
when you begin going back up again
you are not alone...God is holding the rope on the other end
His angels are by your side booting u up the rope to safer ground.
Now you are armed with experience
and the knowledge of a God who really cares to pick you up when you fall
and true friends who will stick by you no matter what.
So when you have hit rock bottom
guess what, this is a good opportunity to get back up again and get back in line.

CONTROL

Control...sometimes u have it..other times u loose it..or lack it..
lets just say this word has never had more meaning in my life than
two weeks ago when i had to leave our baby for the first time and head to work..
i felt for the first time what really loosing control means...
i mean...since i got pregnant, i took care of her...then i gave birth and i was directly in touch with her every move or sound..i changed her diapers..i breastfed her...now..i had to leave all that to a woman who really does not feel as strongly as i do about my baby... it is just a job to her...
i found myself asking: will she feed her? will she bath her like i taught her...remembering those tufolds in her feet? will she just leave her in the house and go maroundi'z or will she go beyond just doing her job and take care of her?
Its back to control...i had no control of what happens to my baby when im at work
and that for a first-time mom...that can break u down..
So far..so good...the baby seems well...but there is that thing..that nagging feeling...that everything is not well...its called worry...how i worried...
until one day i chanced upon a gospel artist..one of my favourites might i add..on tv..
yolanda adams...
she was talking about a time when she was on tour and her child back at home was so sick..
like any mom, the thought of dropping everything to be with her child came to mind..
"i need to be there...when im there..everything will be fine" she'd keep telling herself
infact her prayer was "God, take care of my child till i get home..i'll take it from there"
but God told her and i paraphrase " kwani Me im not already here to take care of this child?"
the tune changed at that point...and interestingly it also changed for me
Because you see, u never will be where u want to be and even if u try..something will come in the way...i call it loosing control...God calls it "Let Me handle it"
Infact, life should be about letting go and letting God..
Since that day i leave the house every morning, a little less stressed..
i mean, God of the universe is minding our baby..taking care of her..
who else would be more qualified to care for anyone than God?
Now spin my story to a situation ur struggling to control...
and try God for a change.

WOMAN

As i was rushing to work today i encountered a woman giving birth on the street..
That kind of thing stops you dead in your tracks and for five minutes i just could not move or think or do anything..
i just stared..both hands on my cheeks..eyes wild with horror.

I tried to think of something to do...help to give..but i was frozen..
fortunately for that woman...there were lots of women around her helping her with the birthing process..

Then i remembered my own labor process..
It was a clean room in an uptown hospital
with a handful of doctors and nurses at hand...
and here she was..on the dirty street floor...
fighting for her life and that of her child...
i was horrified and then i grew very mad...
that should not happen..not in 2010!!

But then again i asked myself...
what if?
A baby does not give the time when she/he will be making her debut in the world
if she/he decides on the roadside...in the car as your heading to hospital
what do you do? no time for CS..ur too far to make it...
what do you do?
you pray for grace and do the needful..
your babys life depends on this ..
and you may be fortunate to have help around
either way..you have no choice...

We may blame her for not knowing early enough to go to hospital in advance
but with a baby sometimes..you never know...until its time..
its called being a woman.

Then theres another group of women...
those older women who were not afraid to dig in and help
this woman in need
those who threw their handbags aside and knelt on the hard concrete
and played doctor...and in the end delivered her child
theres something inspiring about that kind of courage
steely courage..that delves into danger head-first...
i want to be that kind of woman...

So when you see a woman abused, misused...
tell them about the sacrifices she makes to give life...

God bless women.

GFNTB'S

You know ive nyamazad on this story mpaka i cant no more..i know its not the whole lot of the male fraternity but after doing so many stories about guys bailing out on their women i thot its time to just say some things about GFNTB's or as Destiny's Child put it..."good for nothing type of brothers"

Now jana i did a story about a baby who was born with teeth (www.ntv.co.ke)...a rare but not a freakish thing..there are babies who are born with this condition..so anyway..the father of the baby bails on the mum ati coz the baby is weird and neighbors are talking and the stories have gone as far as to say well..i guess u can imagine how wild the story has gone since they live in some shags place..

My big question was: what the hell? As in, he just left her to deal with the drama of neighbors and relatives and oh by the way, she still has three other kids she is taking care of...whatever happened to being the man of the house? The head of the home?

Now lets go to the more normal occurance of guy bouncing when chik gets pregnant or guy giving the "im not going out with her line coz her success intimidates me" line..Now i know there are those chiks who weka guys kwa box and then there are those who like to intimidate men...but honestly..thats not all of them...what of the gal u promised u loved and would stik with her no matter what? What changed?

I think that a lot of guys need to stand up and take their place as men in their families..some men have gotten so passive..its sickening...they no longer play their role of provider, protector and priest of their homes..thats just whack! Im not saying that women should just sit back and wait for their men to bring home the bacon but it was never Gods intention that the woman does both male and female jobs in a marriage..in Gods kingdom there is division of labor...but for most people the mum is the mum and dad...ah aah!

Ok, ur mum raised you all by herself and you turned out ok..but think about it...werent there days when u just wished..dad would do this for me instead? or dad would be better fit to understand this? or it would have meant more if dad had said it?

I think its time that men took their position...generations are getting lost because a man did not play his role in the family...no its not a "women's thing" to pray...The man is the head of the home just as Christ is the Head of the Church...tnd you are meant to take care of ur family..whether you are ready for it or not...honestly, a whole testosterone popping dude who claims to be "a man" but hepas the woman and leaves her to ng'ang'ana when things get thick? Which strength is this we are talking about now?And on that note ya'll need to be with your woman in labor ward so u experience just what krap ur putting her thru when u say atajipanga...or if u do not want that drama..why even get into it in the first place?

As i said earlier, chiks are no angels in all of this...there are devils who connive to put men in boxes..but theres a group of ladies who have learnt (most probably from their father figures) that in this world, u stand up for urself...no man can take care of u...or worse, they will just use you...ladies, not all men fall in this category...there are those men who are standing up and taking their position in the family...they are the guys who have decided not to make the decisions their dads made. They are few..but they are there

I know most of us did not grow up with father figures that we can look up to..thats why Mothers day is more celebrated than Fathers day..but we are not our fathers..we can be different.

So as you chill out for the weekend...we need each other...we all have different and specific roles to play and we need to ensure we play them so our universe remains in balance...failure to which..kesho i will be doing another shenzi-type story of another man who did not stand up to his responsibilities.

GOING VALENTINES

It happens every year on that date in february..painting the town red..the roses..the cards...the flowers..the dread on the part of guys who have to "live up to the day"..you know the deal..valentines day.
And for as long as i can remember, or at least for as long as ive known what valentines all about i have always thought it to be a major drag to dress up in red and live up to the stereotypes of the day..infact i was probably the one sneering at those men and women who actually had the nerve to wake up in the morning and wear red and walk around with their flowers and baskets of goodies coz it was valentines..i mean that was totally shady...and i had all my reasons to shun the ritual
1. love should be shared and expressed everyday
2. it made those who dont have valentines really lonely and depressed and its not good manners to flaunt
3. commercialization
the list is endless
So come monday morning i went with my usual programme of treating it like it was any other day...well that was untils something nudged me and told me to wear that red scarf...i knew i was tempting fate but i said..what the heck..let me do it..for the fun of it..see what they will say...and boy did the words or should i say looks flood in
So as i approach the matatu stage theres this guy who is looking at me like "are u serious..seriously?" i mean the disgust on his face topped up with the sneer..i almost burst out in laughter..then theres the others in the stage giving me the "are u for real?" look and i told myself wow..imagine if i had gone the full red from head-to-toe? So all the way to the office the reaction was the same: "silly..silly girl" but then i passed this lady who, true to the day, had done the full red and she was strutting her stuff along the street..there was no way anyone was putting her down..it was valentines and she was celebrating it.
Its after observing her that the question begged:"if she is ok with 'going valentines' what the heck is my problem?" Its not my dress or shoes or body..and she is really enjoying the moment...why should i care? She has the right to do the red same as i have the right to not do the red..let it be!
There was a tv interview i watched where the host asked the guest if valentines was overrated and too commercialized and she answered "more or less than christmas?" and it got me thinking...yes, the story of christmas should be celebrated and lived daily not just on christmas day but it never harmed us to take that day in December to really celebrate Christmas, so whats so different about valentines?
yes, you should express your love daily but if we have a day set out for it, why not go all out? coz if we are to go with the arguement then might as well scrap any day set aside to celebrate or remember something or someone.
So it was with that in mind that i made the decision to go all out..expressing my love to all my loved ones not because i do not on other days but because this day was set aside to do so..mtado?